An Acceptable Anorexic: A Recovery Journey
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$14.99
Regular price $17.99
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An Acceptable Anorexic: A Recovery Journey
Sale price
$14.99
Regular price $17.99
For close to 30 years, I hid my eating disorder perfectly. Perfectionism is a common trait among eating disordered patients, and I had mastered the art of hiding my disorder. I was perfect in that respect. I was only 14 when I was sexually assaulted and first toyed with anorexia and a few years later switched to bulimia after seeing Meredith Baxter (then Baxter-Birney) in a made for TV movie designed to keep women from becoming bulimic. I watched that movie captivated and decided that bulimia looked so much easier than anorexia. I was right. The next day I tried it and was hooked for 14 years. The only time I abstained was when I was pregnant with our first child. After that bulimic period, I switched back to anorexia. This wasn’t a conscious decision; I simply couldn’t handle the guilt I felt every time I purged. I was never a binger, only a purger, and I felt extreme guilt every time I threw up, often crying while purging. Finally, I couldn’t do it anymore, so I switched back to my familiar friend, Anorexia. At this point I wasn’t restricting food much; I was over-exercising. I would walk four miles an hour for a couple of hours a day several days during the week and then walk three or four hours, 12 to 16 miles, on Saturdays and Sundays. This didn’t happen every week, but it did often, and it went on for years. It didn’t send off red flags to my loved ones because exercise is seen to be so healthy in our society, but they weren’t in my head. If they knew what I was thinking, they would have been concerned. It was frightening. Finally, the summer I turned 43, our family went through some very difficult times. In the past when times got hard, I exercised more and cleaned house compulsively, but this time it wasn’t enough to give me a feeling of control, so I began to starve myself. I know it makes no sense. It doesn’t make sense to me either. At first, I lost my appetite because I was sad, but then it became a conscious decision not to eat, and I began to feel more in control of my life. I was controlling my weight. I had always been small, but I was losing weight very rapidly, and it felt good. I couldn’t hide my disorder any longer, and my journey of recovery was about to begin.